Like Doogie Howser

not so much like a dog

2012-01-25T15:22:00.000-05:00

On Saturday night, Jack used a straw for the first time -- well, successfully used one for the first time.
In the past he had used a straw but only as a means to hurl milk around the room.

Yesterday he used the baby sign for "eat."
I think it was intentional because he said, "eat, eat, eat" at the same time.

I know this stuff shouldn't shock me.
My friend's daughter used a straw at 11-months.
Other babies begin to sign at 8-months.

But every time my kid does anything like this, I'm just as amazed as if he discovered a cure for cancer.
It's sometimes shocking to see him do such human things.
I know he's a human, but honestly, raising him thus far has been a bit like raising a dog.
And when he demonstrates these glimpses of understanding, I am always amazed.

Internet, he's a real live little person.
It's so unbelievably cool.

doggie style

2012-01-21T12:36:00.000-05:00

Over Christmas, Jack had another first: he ate dog food.
Now when we feed the boys, we need to keep Jack in the other room or he tries to steal their food.
Everyone with pups warned me this would happen at some point, but it still seems pretty gross.

In addition, over Christmas, Geoff's aunts got a funny video of Reiki, Geoff's Aunt's Jack Russell, humping Jack.
She loved Jack.
A lot.
I can't seem to post the video, but it is hysterical.

due date

2012-01-14T11:02:00.001-05:00

Tomorrow is the second anniversary of the due date of the pregnancy I "lost."
I'm wondering if you ever forget these things.

gettin' his hair did

2012-01-12T14:46:00.000-05:00

Jack got his first haircut on Friday, January 6, 2012.
He was pretty relaxed about the whole event.
He seemed mostly confused, but it was over in a flash.

I was so happy to get rid of his mullet.

The hair dresser gave me a "lock of hair" for his baby book, and said, "Look, it's a mullet in a bag."

Of course I can't help but repeat the phrase "mullet... in a bag" with the same accent and inflection as "jalepeno... on a stick."

(I know you're trying it now, too. It's ok. You can admit it.)

Here are some photos of the big event:

Before, sporting the mullet.

During

After, sans mullet.

one bear in a bed

2012-01-11T15:24:00.000-05:00

...and the little one said, "I'm lonely."

This song is really catchy. I sing it a lot to Jack.

I'm sure some day, he'll understand the subtraction, but I'm wondering how I'll impart the missing message:

You can feel lonely even when you're not alone.

I've been "battling depression" since my early-20s. Although, I know it's cliche to call it a "battle," it's also correct. It is a battle, or, more accurately, a war. But it's not like the Civil War or some short ass war. This is like the Vietnam war or the Iraq war: long and with no satisfying victory.

Currently, I'm losing the battle.

I'm just trying to get up the strength to fight again.

Like Miranda July says, "All I ever really want to know is how other people are making it through life — where do they put their body, hour by hour, and how do they cope inside of it."
I want to hear how other people get through it.
I don't want to hear "You'll be fine;" "You have so much to be thankful for;" "It could always be worse;" "Just think happy thoughts;" "You just need to learn how to budget;" "Every one is struggling right now;" "Put on some happy music;" "Have a glass of wine;" or "Just stop being crazy."*

I want to know what you do.
How you cope when you're right in the fucking middle of the storm?

Because, as it turns out, that baby I had? He needs to be fed every day. He needs baths. He needs diaper changes. He needs attention.

He needs someone to comfort him when he cries in the middle of the night.
And, although feeling the weight of him in my arms as he sleeps does give me some measure of comfort in the moment, those moments are short.
And these days and nights? They're long.

*All of which have been said to me.

Jack in a box

2012-01-10T15:55:00.000-05:00

This is Jack playing with a leftover box at Uncle Jack and Aunt Deb's house in Vermont after Christmas.

ready to fight the last battle

2012-01-10T15:28:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure if this is true of all first-time parents, or just us, but Geoff and I always seems to be one step behind in the baby proofing.

He started wiggling out of his baby seat, so we started strapping him in.
He started pulling down the curtains, so we installed blinds.
He started playing with all the plugs and cords, so we protected the sockets and moved all the electronics up a level.
He started rolling off the bed, so we stopped leaving him there unattended.
He started crawling, so then we installed cabinet latches and a baby gate.

We're now one year into this thing, and it seems like we should be better at predicting this stuff and not being forced into the reactionary situation.

But we're not.

While we were packing to head to PA over Christmas, Jack, who apparently can now reach things further back on the top of the night stand, dumped a full cup of coffee on himself, the nightstand, the floor, and the bed. (Thankfully, it was no longer hot.) But the clean-up required steam cleaning the carpet and enlisting the generous help of Auntie to watch him while we took care of the mess and finished packing.

Now we are realizing that he can reach things on tables. So we try to keep vigilant about moving spillable/breakable/harmful things off the edge of the table. (I'm not as good as Geoff is about this.)

Last week, Jack was pulling on the oven door. It opened and he fell backwards and scared the shit out of himself. Then we had to go buy an oven lock.

At what point can you just anticipate these issues and make a preemptive strike? Seriously. I think we should know better by know.

Or maybe you just don't know until the next kid.

(Not that there is a next kid on the way or anything -- don't freak out, Mom!)

Walk it out

2012-01-10T15:15:00.000-05:00

Around mid-December 2011, Jack took his first unassisted steps.

I was ridiculously excited about this, as you might be able to infer from my obnoxiously high-pitched voice.

Well, I would not feel so all alone

2011-12-30T12:13:00.000-05:00

This is a photo of Geoff's Aunt's dogs, Monty and Scamper. I'm not really sure which one is which.

While we were in Vermont enjoying Christmas with Geoff's family, Scamper accidentally ate a chocolate chip cookie laced with pot.

Let me just let that sink in.

INTERNET, THE DOG GOT STONED!*

And then all night long, we made jokes about how we should send the leftover chips and dip home for the dog because he'll probably get the munchies later.

And then we took to calling Scamper, "Stoner."

It basically went downhill from there.

And ever since then, I've had this song stuck in my head.

I hope your Christmas was as "merry" as Stoner's, err, I mean, Scamper's!

*Don't panic. They took him to the vet and he's fine.

hold on

2011-12-29T16:24:00.000-05:00

In the almost, but not quite, middle of the night, I snuggled close to my sweetie,
and asked, in a soft whisper, "Will you please hold my hand?"

Four hours before we fought over whose turn it was to change the baby's diaper.
Five hours before he was annoyed with me for leaving the water pitcher empty.
Six hours before I was annoyed at him for leaving his clothes all over.
Seven hours before we fought over whose turn it was to walk the dogs.

One minute after he intertwined his fingers with mine.

And I snuggled there in the dark, both loving and being loved.
And I tried to hold on to that feeling because that is the one that matters.

And I'm writing it down now because I know it will be hard to hold on to that.
Especially if I get home and find his socks still on the floor.

Jack ass

2011-12-13T07:49:00.000-05:00

like Scooby

2011-11-29T18:22:00.001-05:00

You know I would have completed NaBloPoMo successfully if it weren't for the crazy IT restrictions on my work computer My ancient browser is no longer supported by Blogger and so when I went to post yesterday, I couldn't. Grrr.... So close.

The $25,000 Pyramid

2011-11-27T22:55:00.001-05:00

The roll of dog waste bags. The toilet paper.My patience. Things that were unravelling today?Correct.

shhhh....

2011-11-26T17:38:00.001-05:00

I know I'm too old for this.

But I'm ridiculously excited to go see this movie in 2 hours!

Just promise me you won't bring it up again.

not like Dear Abby

2011-11-25T20:00:00.001-05:00

I'm thinking of this scene from Swingers:

Right now my husband is having a speaker-phone conversation with his friend, who is repeatedly driving past the house of a woman who is "entertaining" Geoff's friend's ex.

As painful as the above scene is to watch, I think listening to this conversation is worse. I am in actual physical discomfort listening to his friend.

Luckily, she is on the phone with a friend, who is in the position to gently encourage her to step back from the crazy.

Unluckily, Geoff is not that kind of friend.

His advice: "Park down the street and walk up to look in the window. Call me back and tell me what you see!"

gobble gobble giggle

2011-11-24T18:59:00.001-05:00

I wish turkey only cost a nickle.

We hosted a very small Thanksgiving at our house this year.

My Mom did most of the cooking -- except for the turkey and stuffing, which Geoff took care of.

Awesome!

I can't believe the differences from last Thanksgiving, which was spent with a week old baby, to this year.

But one thing hasn't changed, I'm still unbelievably thankful for this baby and my family.

OCD

2011-11-23T21:22:00.001-05:00

Normal people don't organize their kid's bath toys by color.

Is that what I hear you saying?

peanut butter balls

2011-11-22T20:01:00.000-05:00

My husband's family makes peanut butter balls for Thanksgiving.
They are one of the family traditions.
And they are a pain in the ass!

They are really simple in terms of ingredients, but they are hard to make.

And messy.
Very very messy.

The first year Geoff and I made them, they were a tad on the big side.
His family called them peanut butter boulders.

This year I made them with my Mom.
And we made peanut butter squares.

They were still a pain in the ass.

They may not look pretty, but they are a delicious pain in the ass.

breaking all the rules

2011-11-21T21:59:00.001-05:00

Before I became a parent, I had a few rules of parenting for myself that I didn't want to break:

Don't sniff his butt; just check the damn diaper.
Don't write as if I were the baby.
Don't put the baby on the phone to "talk."
Don't do the "spit on the thumb to wipe the face" thing.
Don't let him watch television until at least age two.
Don't ever admit that Barney, Elmo, Disney World or any type of "capade" exist.
Don't give him soda, juice or junk food.
Don't co-sleep.
Don't ever let him cry when he might be disturbing other people.
Don't enter him in any baby photo contests and beg friends and strangers for support.

Internet, I now know that no one knows more about parenting than non-parents.

I'm pretty sure I have broken almost all of those rules.
I routinely sniff his butt and shove his butt in other people's faces to find out "what do you think?"
He knows about Elmo.
I've used french fries to get him to be quiet.
For the first two months of his life, he would only sleep when laying against me. I did what I had to do to get some sleep, and that was co-sleeping.
And I just wrote some thank-you notes as if I were the baby.

So the only question left is: Will you please, please, please vote for my baby in the cutest baby in the galaxy contest? Thanks in advance!

Howdy Gov'na!

2011-11-20T21:29:00.000-05:00

Care for a spot of tea?

We just celebrated Jack's first birthday with a Union Jack themed party.

It was a lot of fun.

But now I'm a lot of tired.

nine

2011-11-19T20:23:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I got nine catalogs in the mail.

NINE IN ONE DAY!

I'm going to have that embroidered on a belt.

I'm not sure how that would help with my recycling, but it may get me a few dates.
Except I'm married, so I can't date.
Really this belt won't help me at all.
It's probably just a waste of money.
Much like what would happen if I ordered stuff from all those catalogs.

Whoa. It all comes full circle.

LIKE A FASTENED BELT!

Oh my God.

I just blew my own mind.

Also, I've had a lot of wine.

You can't tell though, right?

good mood

2011-11-18T16:08:00.000-05:00

Internet, I don't want to jinx it, but I have to share my day:

It is beautiful out. Boston is super sunny and brisk and perfect!

There was a sale at one of my favorite paper stores. When I went in to buy some note cards, for which I would have paid full price, I got 50% off.

I had amazing potato soup, which you can never ever find in New England, because these people insist on ruining great soup by adding clams. Yuck.

I got to see some of the proofs of Jack's first birthday photos. They are phenomenal despite the baby being a cranklepuss the whole morning of the photo shoot!

And I have the next four days off!

Woo hoo!

Happy Birthday!

2011-11-17T21:55:00.002-05:00

Jack turned one today.

One.

I don't have the words for this.

Brett Alison Photography

Dear Santa

2011-11-16T11:34:00.002-05:00

These are things that I don't buy for myself frequently, if at all, but that I love.

Boscia Moisturizer

Tickets to the Boston Ballet

Massage Gift Certificate

Vanilla, Bourbon and Mandarin Perfume (or the home fragrance is lovely, also)

Family membership to the YMCA

Paintbrush Ticking Flannel Comforter Cover, Black Coffee color, King Size with two cases and Heather Grey Paintbrush Flannel Queen Size Fitted Sheet with two cases

Do you think Santa reads my blog?
How to I add my blog to his RSS feed?

Siri

2011-11-15T22:08:00.000-05:00

I just apologized to Siri for calling her an idiot.

I'm not sure Apple is doing us any favors by anthropomorphizing a computer program.
It's a very slippery slope from joking with your phone to the plot of a Will Smith movie.

batwing

2011-11-14T16:40:00.000-05:00

Can someone please tell me why I keep seeing "batwing" dresses and shirts featured for sale this holiday season?

Granted, I don't know anything about fashion, but I'm pretty sure that designers should look to other animals for inspiration. For example, "kitten heel" is adorable. Batwing? Not so much.

Bend it Like Doogie

2011-11-13T19:39:00.000-05:00

I was editing some photos of famous British people in iPhoto. When I finished cropping the photos, I routinely hit the "Enhance" button.

With one exception:

David Beckham needs no enhancement.

it happens

2011-11-12T22:21:00.001-05:00

Poo.

In the bathtub.

Yeah, that just happened.

hey girl

2011-11-11T20:52:00.000-05:00

Hey Girl, I'm just sitting here in my tiny chair.

This was Auntie Christine's Facebook post.
I really did Laugh Out Loud.

Also, she was here when I was putting the Anywhere Chair from Uncle Johnny together.

She said, "That's so cute; I want one in my size."
I said, "They make one in your size: it's called a chair."

Count the number of animals in this post!

2011-11-10T09:45:00.000-05:00

Walter is an ass.

The dog eats everything. He's like a damn goat.

Yesterday, he pooped out a Ziploc bag.

It was still SEALED!!!

If I only I had known about this skill sooner -- you, know, back when he could still walk well -- I could have put him to use as a drug mule.

Do you think it's tough to break into that business? Do I place an ad on Craigslist or something? Or maybe Monster.com?

nablopo...

2011-11-09T19:57:00.001-05:00

This is a pictorial representation of how my evening has been going.

I swear this kid has zero respect for my Nablopomo obligations.
In fact, right now he's trying to play with the power cord to the computer.

cake smash

2011-11-08T16:19:00.001-05:00

Have you heard of this "cake smash" photo trend?

Is it cute? Is it weird?
I can't decide.

I'm normally against food smashing.
I hate wedding cake smashing photos.
Food fights are gross.
Pie eating contests where people can not use their hands? Not my style.

But this seems -- I don't know -- less disturbing for some reason.

Yes? No?

Internet, what do you think?

nerd alert

2011-11-07T21:52:00.001-05:00

Nerdy things I like:

Tetris Ice Cube Trays

What to name your wireless network to screw with your neighbors.

they say it's your birthday

2011-11-06T17:51:00.001-05:00

Today we celebrated Grandpa's 65th Birthday!

political action

2011-11-05T10:22:00.001-04:00

I rarely sign petitions or contact my representatives.

This was an exception:

SIGN THIS PETITION!

So funny.
And sad.
But mostly funny.

I would also like a cookie.

something's fishy

2011-11-04T19:16:00.001-04:00

Geoff has decided that we should start eating fish.

I hate fish.
I don't eat anything I can swim with.

On the way to the supermarket, we had the following exchange:

Him: I think I'm going to get Mahi Mahi. What would you like to go with your fish?
Me: Chicken.

chicken vs. chicken

2011-11-03T16:05:00.003-04:00

Jack is just at the very beginning of learning to use language.

He can say and identify Dada/Daddy.
Oddly, although he can say "D" for Dada, he calls the dogs, "Oggie."
Twice now he has said "oggie" to dogs that were not ours. (That could just be a fluke thing.)
And, although he rarely does, he can say, "Mama."
And, before you ask, yes, it does annoy the shit out of me that he says oggie more readily than Mama.
Once or twice he has said something approximating "auntie" and "hi."

It is just so terribly exciting to see him start this process and I'm looking forward to the years to come.

I love this video about (primarily) homonyms.*
I think it is a beautiful representation of the ways we use language.
I can't wait to share it with Jack when he gets older.

*A friend of mine tells the story of her elementary school teacher who was asking the class for examples of homonyms. My friend suggested "chicken." The teacher was confused and asked what she meant. She replied, "You know: the chicken that is the animal at the farm and the chicken that we eat for dinner." The teacher kindly explained that it is the same chicken. That night she told her parents she was becoming a vegetarian.

oooh, paper

2011-11-02T09:53:00.001-04:00

There's this story in my family about my cousin Doug, who is now probably in his 50's, when he was a little kid. I think the story goes that his parents were taking him to Grandma and Grandpa's house for Christmas. They were trying to teach him to be polite, so they told him that even if he doesn't like his gift, he should still pretend that the does and be happy about it.

As he was unwrapping one of his boxes, he lifted the lid and found that the gift was wrapped in tissue paper. He didn't understand that the gift was inside the paper.

Being polite, he exclaimed, "Ohhh, paper! It's just what I've always wanted!"

That phrase has become a running joke in our family.

Yesterday, Jack got a Halloween card from my Aunt Barbara.
The envelope was addressed to him.

When Geoff opened the card, he found an obituary notice cut from a local Philadelphia newspaper. My Aunt had written, "I thought you might be interested in this."

Geoff and I were both totally confused because we didn't know this man.

Then we read the card and it was addressed to someone other than Jack.

When I called Aunt Barbara to tell her about the card mix-up, I said, "Thank you so much for Jack's Halloween card. An obituary is just what he has always wanted!"

Show Me Your Stripes

2011-11-01T16:22:00.001-04:00

How did I not know about these?

You know how I love stripes.
I may have to tell Santa about this.

Take My Wife - Please!

2011-10-28T16:04:00.001-04:00

Some short, but funny conversations I've had recently:

To: Christine, who likes bees
From: Megan
Honeybee Brooch

To: Megan
From: Christine
If I was eighty years old and wore cardigans that would be PERFECT!!! ;)

To: Christine
From: Megan
[insert emoticon for sticking tongue out at snarky auntie]

________________________________________________________

Megan, while changing Jack's diaper: This kid is getting all-together too squirmy. Grrrrr.... I cannot get this diaper on. Just.... hold... still... ARRGH! Honey, I give up. This is too annoying. Can't we just lay some newspaper down or something?

________________________________________________________

To: Hillary, who just had a baby
From: Megan
I haven't bought a baby gift yet. Is there anything in particular you need?

To: Megan
From: Hillary
I need someone to get up with the baby at night so I can get some sleep. It would help if they could breastfeed.

To: Hillary
From: Megan
I'll see what I can do, but I'll have to wait to do the online searching until I get home from work. I think using my work computer to Google "looking for a wet nurse for long nights" might get me a visit from the Inspector General's Office.

dragon moms

2011-10-25T16:33:00.000-04:00

This piece is beautiful and heart breaking:

Our experiences have taught us how to parent for the here and now, for the sake of parenting, for the humanity implicit in the act itself, though this runs counter to traditional wisdom and advice.... Parenting, I’ve come to understand, is about loving my child today. Now. In fact, for any parent, anywhere, that’s all there is.

No need for words

2011-10-24T15:07:00.000-04:00

I really like this and this.

A lot.

new and improved

2011-10-18T09:14:00.003-04:00

Jack loves wires and cords and tubes and ribbons and shoelaces and strings and just about anything that he could possibly wrap around his neck to give me a heart attack.

Geoff just had surgery yesterday. He's recovering in the hospital, but is hooked up to all manner of IVs, heart rate monitors, and other various and sundry tubes.

When I brought Jack to visit last night, the kid was apoplectic with joy.
It was Dada.
His favorite.
NOW WITH WIRES!
It's Dada 2.0!

Enjoy kid! This is your early birthday gift.

(No, really. We can't afford any presents with these hospital bills!)

Romeo + Juliet

2011-10-13T18:00:00.005-04:00

I keep getting these postcards advertising The Boston Ballet's Romeo and Juliet.

The tag line is "What would you do for love?"

I've received three mailings so far and every time I've read that line, I thought to myself, "I would do anything for love, but I won't do that."

And now you have Meatloaf stuck in your head too.

I bet that was just what the Boston Ballet marketing folks were hoping for.

car window shopping

2011-09-29T13:26:00.004-04:00

I love these little toy race cars.
So simple.
So damn expensive.

Of course, if I had a lot -- or, if we're being honest, any -- disposable income and a place to let my kid loose, I'd choose this one:

How beautiful is that?

car buying

2011-09-27T15:25:00.003-04:00

A very beautiful friend of mine is in the market for a new car:

Very Beautiful Friend: I went around out to test drive the cars on Saturday.
Me: Did you wear something low cut?
Other Friend: And a short skirt?
VBF: No, I was wearing a t-shirt and jeans.
OF: Tight jeans?
VBF: No.
Me: Ugh! It's like you know nothing about buying cars. Honestly, that perfect body is wasted on you.

FF: September 10, 2011 - September 23, 2011

2011-09-23T12:42:00.002-04:00

September 10:
He's only pretending to be asleep.

September 12:
It's something we already understood and felt, but reading it in print is truly terrifying: Reflections of a GOP Operative Who Left the Cult

September 17:
I don't want to work. I just want to bang on my dogs all day.

September 18:
Geoffy's mini-me: rooting for the Pats!

September 19:
Teething is not my friend.

September 20:
Climbing into bed on my 8th wedding anniversary would be way sexier if my bed weren't 214 miles from my husband's!

September 21:
There's a man walking pigs down Church Street. I love Vermont.

FF: August 27, 2011 - September 9, 2011

2011-09-09T12:41:00.004-04:00

August 28:
It must break some law of physics that my family size increased by only a third but my laundry doubled. Unfortunately, i don't know which law because I never listened in Mr. Kieffer's class. Where is Vishal when I need him?!?

August 29:
I can't decide if I think these are adorable or creepy.

August 29:
Saying his goodbyes to Grandpa. We finally got Jack into military school (affiliated with the Navy, obviously)

August 31:
Getting excited for the game tonight.

"Well bred young men hate the Yankees."

September 1:
I want this guy to come live on our couch. Yet another reason to move to SF. I swear that city broadcasts some sort of siren song.

September 1:
How Bostonians view Massachusetts:

September 2:
Sleepy in a sailor suit is way cuter than just regular ol' sleepy.

September 3:
Geoffy's mini-me. They even share the same penchant for the iPhone.

September 4:
I'm listening to this audiobook and one of the main characters has a thick NY accent. Now I find that my inner monologue has developed the same accent.

September 5:
I think we should celebrate Labor Day - you know, while it still exists.

September 9:
Celebrating Lucy's birthday by drinking heavily, as we Irish are wont to do.

feminist parenting

2011-09-07T13:50:00.002-04:00

I was reading this blog post, which was a follow-up to some comments on a post about Game of Thrones.

While I think the whole post explained what happened and why really well, this part stuck with me:

The point of listening to women and feminists is to listen to women and feminists. Because if you listen to them, you might start to understand certain basic points, such as: Women do not automatically have to accept you as an expert, particularly not when the subject under discussion (sexism!) is something you’ve never experienced first-hand. Women do not have to make you “comfortable” and “welcome” in every single conversation. Women do not automatically have to grant you a space in their discussions, on their blogs, or in their lives. Women do not have to permit you to enter their political movements, their self-created spaces, their personal space, their bodies, or anything else that belongs to them; you, as a man, are not entitled to women’s attention, praise, affection, respect, or company, just because you want it. And when a woman says “no,” you respect that this particular woman said “no,” and you stop. You don’t make excuses, you don’t explain why you should be able to get what you want, you don’t throw a tantrum, you don’t call that woman names: You just stop what you are doing. Because she said “no.”

I read that and thought, "Yes."

Then I thought, "How am I going to make sure that my son grows up knowing that, and not just knowing that, but practicing that?"

I don't have an answer yet.
But it's worth considering.

A little ditty about...

2011-09-01T14:21:00.000-04:00

Jack and Diane

Two American kids doin' the best that they can.
Or two guests at an anniversary party this weekend.
One or the other.
Possibly both.

Nice Things Days 27-30

2011-08-29T14:16:00.000-04:00

Day 27
On Thursday, I got a massage from Jessica Griffith at LivingWell in Salem.
It was wonderful.

Day 28
On Friday, we went to the beach on Cape Cod.
It was a perfect day for it.

Day 29
On Saturday, we celebrated Geoff's Aunt Deb and Uncle Jack's 35th Anniversary with one hell of a party on the Cape.
We all wore fun hats.
It was lovely.

Day 30
On Sunday, we made it home through Hurricane Irene and I got to spend a quiet evening with my puppies, my baby and my husband all safe and sound snuggled in my own bed.
If that isn't nice, I don't know what is.

FF: August 13, 2011 - August 26, 2011

2011-08-26T11:41:00.000-04:00

August 13:
Sick dog + teething baby + wife on crutches from an ankle sprain this morning = one sad Geoffy. Send good thoughts his way. Or better yet, send good booze his way.

August 14:
I guess that call didn't go so well. In pretty sure he just called me sweetheart and asked for a scotch. Perhaps I shouldn't let him watch Mad Men with me.

August 18:
First, he makes a gross face and turns his head when the green beans come near. Then, when I get some in, he spits them right back out. Green beans are not my friend tonight.

August 19:
My niece had shots today and says that wearing her wedding dress dulls the pain. I thought wedding dresses only dull the pain when you're 34, not 4.

August 19:
Thunderstorms make for snuggly puppies!

August 19:
I was making brownies when I realized we have no eggs. I told Geoff this, but assured him that I'll add extra oil and it will work fine. After all, I've done this a bunch of times over a camp stove with a twiggy fire. Hell, I've got a stove now. It'll be easy! You can guess where this is going, right? It did not work. At all. They say everything tastes better in the backcountry, but I didn't realize "better" meant "even remotely palatable."

August 20:
Jack likes pancakes. Gus is not happy with this development. (And it doesn't help that the kid keeps dropping the whisk on Gus' head.)

August 21:
Getting older: it's late August and we went to BB&B for accessories for our baby's room, not our dorm room. (And I had to stop myself from giving the kids advice. Ex. "Don't buy those dishes, just steal them from the dining hall." or "Forget the clip-on lamp; you'll only end up bashing your head on it when you are trying to contort yourself to have sex on a twin-size bunk bed.")

August 24:
It's Walter's 9th birthday. We're celebrating by not threatening to take him to the pound today.

August 25:
Packing for an anniversary party near the tip if Cape Cod and trying to decide which dress goes better with galoshes.

August 26:
I spent no more than two hours at the beach today. I liberally applied SPF 50 sunscreen. Twice. And I spent most of the time wearing a shirt and sitting under two umbrellas. I still got a slight sunburn. Hey, do any of you guys remember when we used to have an ozone layer? Man, those were the fucking days!

Nice Things Days 20-26 in pictures

2011-08-24T11:41:00.001-04:00

Day 20
On Thursday, Jack cracked us up by making really funny faces when "eating" green beans. He was not a fan.

Day 21
On Friday, my niece went to the doctors and told my sister that wearing her wedding dress would make her boo boos go away.

Day 22
On Saturday, Jack discovered he liked pancakes.

Day 23
On Sunday, Jack, Geoff and I were wiped out from staying out too late with friends the night before.

Day 24
On Monday, the computer system was down at work, so I got to watch Mad Men on my phone.

Day 25
On Tuesday, I had to drive to Worcester, MA for work and it was a sunny and beautiful day to do so.

Day 26
Today is Wally's 9th Birthday!
To celebrate, we decided not to threaten to take him to the pound today for being such a shithead.

If those things aren't nice, I don't know what is.

Nice Things Days 15-19

2011-08-17T12:37:00.001-04:00

Day 15
On Saturday, I fell carrying laundry down my stairs and sprained my ankle.
Super Aunties Christine and Micky stepped in and watched Jack while Geoff took me to the Emergency Room.
Geoff is good to have in a crisis because he is able to lighten the mood by making funny remarks. Yet, at the same time, he makes damn sure that the doctors and staff do what's best for me.

So even though it was mostly an unhappy day, there were two nice spots that I appreciated: First, Geoff made me laugh with many inappropriate jokes about rabies. (Don't ask.) Second, Christine sent cute photos and videos of Jack to distract me. (She always takes great shots.)

Day 16
On Sunday, Jack entertained me while I was lying in bed. He was all business with his necktie onesie and his telephone. We narrated his play as if he were in Mad Men.

Sweetheart, get me an outside line.

What?!? Cigarettes don't cause cancer!

Idiot clients! I need a scotch!

Day 17

On Monday, well, Monday sucked.

My back was in excruciating pain and I could hardly walk.

I had to drive in torrential rains to Worcester for work.

By the time I got home, I could barely walk.

The only good thing about Monday: I had strawberry shortcake for dinner and Percocet for dessert!

Day 18

On Tuesday, my husband cooked me a delicious dinner and recorded some baby laughs for me.

Jack's giggle is like Percocet for the soul.

Day 19

Today, Jack turns 9 months old!

NINE!

If that isn't nice, I don't know what is.

Nice Things Days 13 and 14

2011-08-12T22:06:00.001-04:00

Day 13
Thursdays at my work cafeteria are "noodle days!"
They do amazing stir-fry.
And I got to enjoy noodle day and lovely conversation with my co-workers.

Day 14
Today Jack, Wally, Gus and I went for an impromptu walk to the park.
My Three Sons:

Gus's grass bath:

It was so beautiful out and I'm glad we got to enjoy it.

If those things aren't nice, I don't know what is.

FF: July 30, 2011 - August 12, 2011

2011-08-12T12:07:00.004-04:00

August 1:
This is a page from a Winnie-the-Pooh bath book my Mom got Jack called "Feelings." Does anyone else think Eeyore's look is less "shy" and more "come-hither?" He looks like he's posing for a boudoir pic. I'll have to Ask Dr. Sears, but my hunch is that 9-months-old is too young to introduce the concept of furries.

August 2:
I've been experiencing a kind of low grade anxiety attack all day today in reaction to an episode of Hoarders I saw last night in which a woman named Megan was in danger if losing her baby because of her hoarding. So today I've just been looking around our house thinking we have too much stuff! If we drank all that wine, we could get rid of the wine rack. Does we really need a dining room table?

August 7:
Getting older: Geoff called me from BJs yesterday and said, "I have some really exciting news!!" The news was that the Charmin mega-rolls are back, at least for a limited time. Do you think in another 10 years that the "really exciting news" will be something like, "Guess what: I just passed that gall stone!"?

August 8:
Buying 12-month-old baby clothes and fighting the urge to break down in tears in front of the saleswoman at Carters. Twelve. Months. That's a year, people. (In case you were keeping score.). I'm not ok with this.

Related: everything I could find for TWELVE MONTH BOYS had a dinosaur, a truck or some sort of sports equipment on it. Why don't they just cover the footie pjs with a giant penis and be done with it? That design would be equally as subtle.

August 9:
I just sat through a reenactment of 12 Angry Men. Apparently, I'm no Henry Fonda.

August 10:
Things that are making me grouchy today, in no particular order: my dog Walter, voters in Wisconsin, the humidity, my Employer, leftover feelings of unease from yesterday's jury duty, and my lack of a large supply of disposable income. How is your day going, friends?

August 10:
Jack likes them apples. (Or at least the empty containers.)

August 12:
Walter is moping because I won't let him have the baby toys. He is so oppressed.

August 12:
My three sons

Nice Things Day 12

2011-08-11T16:36:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, Walter was being a world class jerk in the following ways:

by waking me up in the middle of the night;
by repeatedly stealing the baby's toys;
by causing the baby to cry by stealing a cracker from the baby's hand;
by peeing all over the carpet;
by causing the baby to cry by stepping on his head; and
by chewing one of my three favorite spoons in half.

Yesterday, while changing his diaper, Jack started screaming so loudly and angrily that I started running for the Bibles and cloves of garlic while repeating, "The power of Christ compels you;" demonic possession being the only possible explanation for that level of noise.

When I started panicking and thinking that some vital organ must be exploding or something, he started to giggle.

Giving Mommy heart failure? HILARIOUS!!!!

The only nice thing that happened yesterday was its ending.
I crawled into bed exhausted and the bed felt so comfy.

A comfy bed after a shitty day?
If that isn't nice, I don't know what is.

Nice Things Days 7-11

2011-08-09T17:27:00.000-04:00

Day 7:
On Friday night, I threw a party for Geoff's 35th Birthday!
Drinking great wine with greater friends in a fun environment, while busting on my husband?
If that isn't nice, I don't know what is.

Day 8:
On Saturday, I got to eat leftover birthday cake.
Birthday cake two days in a row?
If that isn't nice, I don't know what is.

Day 9:
On Sunday, we got to cheer on Auntie Christine in her first road race!
Supporting friends without having to run yourself?
If that isn't nice, I don't know what is.

Day 10:
On Monday, I got called for jury duty.
I have wanted to have jury duty for a long time. (I know, nerdy.)
Experiencing something you've wanted to do?
If that isn't nice, I don't know what is.

Day 11:
On Tuesday, the trial I was on concluded.
George Bernard Shaw wrote, "There are two great disappointments in life: Not getting what you want and getting it."
"Jury duty" can now join "cooking," "gardening," and "boating" on the list of things I thought I'd like based on my personality, but don't.
But I won't have to endure that again for at least another three years.
If that isn't nice, I don't know what is.

Nice Things Days 5 and 6

2011-08-04T13:59:00.000-04:00

Yesterday wasn't so nice.
The baby had a fever and had to go to the doctor.
He was a sad little chicken:

And, even though it was Geoff's birthday, we didn't really get to celebrate because, well, sick baby.

Still, I was trying to think of something happy and I came up with four things:

1. After a long search, I finally found someone to engrave a ring for me.
2. While looking down the dark tracks for the light of the subway, I got that excited feeling that you get when you are about to get on a roller coaster and the car should be approaching any minute! I got to experience that moment of excitement without having to pay a billion dollars to go to Great Adventure or some such place.
3. We ate cheesecake to celebrate Geoff's birthday.
4. We watched Covert Affairs and I got to see Chris Gorhman, on whom I am quickly developing a crush.

So, those things were nice.

But today?

Today my baby had a much lower temperature.

And if that isn't nice, I don't know what is!

Nice Things Day 4

2011-08-02T10:54:00.004-04:00

Sleeping in.

On a Tuesday.

If this isn't nice, I don't know what is.

Nice Things Day 3

2011-08-01T12:07:00.001-04:00

Playing ball with Wally on a Monday morning:

If this isn't nice, I don't know what is.

Nice Things Day 2

2011-07-31T10:49:00.011-04:00

We went for a nice hike in Gloucester, MA.
It ended at cliffs overlooking the ocean:

On the way back to the car, the baby fell asleep in my backpack and snored in my ear:

If this isn't nice, I don't know what is.

Nice Things Day 1

2011-07-30T10:23:00.001-04:00

Sitting in my kitchen on a Saturday morning.
Slathering butter and Aunt Deb's Beach Plum Jelly on a piece of baguette.
Grasping the bread that is so fresh it is still warm from the ovens of A and J King Bakery.
Enjoying good coffee.
Watching my baby try to gnaw on a piece of the baguette.

If this isn't nice, I don't know what is.

30 days of Nice Things

2011-07-30T10:09:00.001-04:00

I read about this project that Mighty Girl is doing and it inspired me to try to do something for 30 days.

I was thinking about this story by Kurt Vonnegut:

And now I want to tell you about my late Uncle Alex. He was my father’s kid brother, a childless graduate of Harvard who was an honest life insurance salesman in Indianapolis. He was well-read and wise. And his principal complaint about other human beings was that they so seldom noticed it when they were happy. So when we were drinking lemonade under an apple tree in the summer, say, and talking lazily about this and that, almost buzzing like honeybees, Uncle Alex would suddenly interrupt the agreeable blather to exclaim, ''If this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is.''

So I do the same now, and so do my kids and grandkids. And I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, ''If this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is.''*

So for the next 30 days, I'm going to be more mindful of things that bring me happiness.

*I can't remember where I first read that, but I copied it from here.

it just comes

2011-07-29T14:35:00.000-04:00

Dear Interwebs,

Sometimes you make me LOL, but you also make me :(.

Today you showed me this article. I know I should never read something with that type of title, but I did it anyway.

Lo and behold, the number 5 thing men find unattractive in women is being "angry for no damn reason:"

Some of y’all are taking this feminism thing too far — you’re lashing out at men every chance you get and we’re tired of it. #whohurtyou No but seriously, no one likes the angry woman, who’s always angry, never smiles and is extremely difficult to be around. It’s unattractive.

I'm reminded of this song's lyrics:

girl, next time he wants to know what your problem is
girl, next time he wants to know where the anger comes from
just tell him this time the problem's his
tell him the anger
just comes
it just comes

After I read that and got all grouchy, you show me this: Portraits of Dogs as They Shake Off Water.

And I decided to like you once more.

Sincerely,

Megan

FF: July 16, 2011 - July 29, 2011

2011-07-29T11:44:00.006-04:00

July 17:
Watched Babies today and I was very thankful I don't have to wipe my kid's butt on my leg. But, later, when I was struggling to install a car seat, I felt ridiculous. I'm honestly not sure what to take away from that film, which is what I like in a movie. (Btw he's 8 months old today. Insane.)

July 20:
My husband chastised me for starting to watch Covert Affairs without him. He told me that I'd just have to watch it again with him. This week's episode features an extended scene with a shirtless Chris Gorham. If I *have to* watch it again, I guess I will. I'm such a good wife.

July 21:
(Ok, ok, I have to ask and then I promise to give myself a wedgie for being such a nerd.) Did anyone else bust out laughing when the NPR piece on Georgia O'Keeffe described her move to New Mexico as a "seminal" moment in her life?

July 22:
My almost-4-year-old niece as Ariel. I think I might be dying from the cute.

July 23:
Getting older: Realized this morning that my cereal no longer comes with a toy or fun fact about dinosaurs. Instead, I found myself taking a quiz on the back of the box to determine how much I know about cholesterol.

July 23:
To you, it's a foot rest. But Gus has a strong relationship with the avant-garde; he refuses to accept your norms. Gus declares it a head rest. Brilliant, right?You're asking yourself now, "What is art? Who am I?"

the clink

2011-07-22T10:25:00.000-04:00

A friend of mine was arrested during a protest yesterday.

When asked if he needed anything, like a cake with a file baked into it, he replied, "It was Cambridge - our cell came with poached lobster and a personal masseuse."

FF: July 2, 2011 - July 15, 2011

2011-07-15T11:13:00.001-04:00

July 4:

Last night Jack had raspberry purée and since then I've had a bastardized version of a Prince song repeating in my head.

July 4:
Jack and Will celebrating the 4th!

July 5:
"It's the fifth of July, feeling independent. Please step aside; the celebration is over." Or at least it should be, but a neighboring town is shooting off fireworks. And Walter has been shoving his snout in my face with every boom. If this keeps up Im going to need a fifth of Jim Beam.

July 7:
Jack now says, "Da da da da da," but not "Ma ma ma ma ma." I'm not ok with this development.

July 9:
Baby's First Roller Derby

Jack's onesie supporting "Auntie Windigo."

Front

Back

July 9:
Baby swim time

July 15:
Ok, guys, you've had your fun. Now someone tell me where you hid my little baby because this kid can't be him. (First store visit without an infant carrier... *tear*)

triptych

2011-07-13T15:36:00.000-04:00

Someone's moving.

A lot.

And, apparently, it's pretty exhausting.

carrying the quiet

2011-07-13T11:36:00.000-04:00

I sometimes wake in the early morning,
And listen to the soft breathing of my son,
And I think to myself,
"This is one thing I will never regret."
And I carry that quiet with me all day long.

(via Story People)

like Sisyphus

2011-07-12T09:32:00.001-04:00

Last night I fed Jack some blueberry puree.

While I was wearing a white shirt.

At the end of the meal, in a rare moment of parenting glory, I realized that my white shirt had no blueberries on it.

I was so proud of myself.

I'll admit it: I even punched my arm into the air, Kevin Spacey-style, and shouted, "I rule."

Then I reached over to take the kid's bib off and he grabbed the front of my shirt with his blueberry-slathered little mitt.

I guess I'll take my boulder now.

And perhaps a stain stick.

something more

2011-07-08T15:16:00.000-04:00

I look at him and I know something more about life than I knew without him.

I know what is necessary and important.

And what is not.

rock, flag and eagle

2011-07-04T13:39:00.002-04:00

This is a photo of Jack and his friend Will from the 4th of July.
It looks like Jack is about to clobber poor Will.

And you know what I say to that?

FUCK YEAH!

Jack's going all American on his ass!

Way to get into the spirit of the holiday kid!

U-S-A, U-S-A, U-S-A

FF: June 18, 2011 - July 1, 2011

2011-07-01T10:59:00.007-04:00

June 18:
Jack enjoying the neglect-a-tron, which now joins roller coasters and Indian food on the list of things that I avoided because they terrified me and that I now love.

June 22:
Trying some bananas. Can't stop singing G-o G-o B-a-n-a-n-a-s!

June 23:
Jack keeps grabbing my hair and yanking. I think I'm going to need to wear a swim cap all the time or I'll be bald by the time I hit 35!

June 24:
Chilling on the Cape with Cousin Burton. (oh, and with some other relatives, too!)

June 26:
Beach baby. Cape Cod...yawn.

June 27:
I was on the phone with my sister who was narrating my 3-year-old niece's actions: she just sped away in her Jeep, ran over a hoe, and is now cutting the wheel hard so she skids out in a spin." It took me a second to realize she mean hoe, like garden implement, not ho like prostitute. I was beginning to think Bella was recreating Grand Theft Auto on the mean lawns of York, PA.

June 28:
Dinner at Scratch Kitchen -- The Bacon Mac n Cheese is amazing -- and we forgot toys, but, luckily, the beer coaster is enthralling. Winning at Parenting!

your baby: 7 months, week 2

2011-06-27T11:32:00.004-04:00

I get these emails from a baby website every week about how my baby may be developing that week. They are mostly ridiculous, but I still read them just in case there is something important in there that I should know.

Today I read these two "Member Comments:"

my son who is 7 months and two weeks just started crawling (very quickly), and is even starting to pull himself up to things. he has two teeth.

My son is 7 months and he has 8 teeth already. He is wearing 18 month old clothes. He is growing too fast.

Internet, it took all of my willpower not to post a comment like this:

My son, who is 7 months and two weeks old, has skipped crawling and went straight to running. He is currently training for his first iron man. In his free time, he is translating the Iliad from the original Greek into English because he found the Chapman and Pope translations I read to him in utero to be less than faithful to Homer's formulaic language. Also, he loves mum mums.

caution

2011-06-27T11:06:00.002-04:00

I was working at school bus dispatch lot a week or so ago, and I had to be there at the crack of dawn.

Okay, it was 5:00 AM, but the Dunkin' Donuts were not open yet. I consider any time before the Dunkin' Donuts open to be too early.

As I was pulling into a space in the parking lot, I saw a sign that said, "Watch for sleeping children," with a photo of a little kid curled up in a bus seat.

Internet, I slammed on the brakes and stopped mid-park job to watch for the kids as if they would be asleep in the parking space in front of me.

This is why I do not make it a habit of going anywhere without coffee.
Without caffeine, my mind functions safely, but not logically.

Jack and Jill

2011-06-22T10:07:00.003-04:00

Cousin Jillian holding one-week-old Jack at his first -- and the family's last -- Thanksgiving in Sudbury, MA in November 2010:

marriage, post-baby

2011-06-21T14:07:00.002-04:00

Jack now says, "blah."

Or, more accurately, Jack says, "blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah... [repeat until you think your ears are starting to bleed, then repeat some more.]"

When Jack first started doing this, I told Geoff about it and he said, "See, dear, you kept looking for some way in which he resembles you, and now you have it: this is how you always sound to me."

_____________________________________________

I texted Geoff this photo the other day with the message, "Danger! Danger!"

His reply was "Abort! Abort!"

_____________________________________________

On Father's Day, we were walking with Geoff's dad in Groton Woods and I made us turn around and go back to the car because I had to use the bathroom.

Geoff said, "What happened to the hiker-girl I married who wouldn't even carry toilet paper into the woods because it was too bad for the environment?"

I replied, "She went away, like the liberal-boy I married who voted for Nader."

FF: June 4, 2011 - June 17, 2011

2011-06-17T10:46:00.000-04:00

USA BDSM

2011-06-07T16:35:00.000-04:00

My coworker is a member of the Young Government Leaders and plans many of the local chapter's social events.

A Non-Young Government Non-Leader, whom she had never met, emailed her to propose an event to celebrate July 4th. What happened next was a series of several emails, which would be ripe for posting to Emails From Crazy People, if that website were to still exist.

The gist of the emails was that this Non-Young Government Non-Leader wanted the Young Government Leaders to hold a sing-along where folks could sing patriotic songs, starting "with the National Anthem, of course."

Of course.

Another coworker and I were trying to think of other patriotic songs one might sing at this proposed gathering:

Him: Yankee Doodle?

Me: I can't even remember the words to Yankee Doodle.

Him: "Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony, stuck a feather in his cap and called it macaroni..." That's all I got.

Me: Right, then chorus is "Yankee Doodle.... tie me up." No. That's not it. I must be remembering some alternate lyrics to that song. Instead of the radio edit, I've got the S-and-M edit rolling around in my head.

Him: Yeah, I don't think that's the version I taught my kids.

Me: Now I need to Google those lyrics because this will drive me crazy.

Later, I found the lyrics and had to report back to my coworker with the following highlights:

Yankee Doodle went to town
A-riding on a pony
Stuck a feather in his hat
And called it macaroni.

Yankee Doodle, keep it up
Yankee Doodle dandy
Mind the music and the step
And with the girls be handy.

Father and I went down to camp
Along with Captain Gooding
And there we saw the men and boys
As thick as hasty pudding.

Yankee Doodle, keep it up
Yankee Doodle dandy
Mind the music and the step
And with the girls be handy

There was Captain Washington
Upon a slapping stallion
A-giving orders to his men
I guess there was a million.

Yankee Doodle, keep it up
Yankee Doodle dandy
Mind the music and the step
And with the girls be handy.

Internet, did you know that this song was so dirty?

Yeah, neither did I.

Oh, no, wait. I thought it was even dirtier.

Perhaps I should skip the sing-along.

FF: May 21, 2011 - June 3, 2011

2011-06-03T09:43:00.000-04:00

BabySteals

2011-06-02T13:50:00.000-04:00

I get emails from this great website called BabySteals which offers a different deal on baby stuff each day.

Today's email advertised a deal on "Lubies."

These are Lubies.

They are not, I repeat, not small tubes of KY.

Just in case you might have thought that.

I would never have thought that.

But you might, so I figured I'd warn you.

Jack, Rabbit

2011-06-01T20:41:00.002-04:00

Jack at Easter, April 2011

mutually exclusive, parentally exhaustive

2011-06-01T13:47:00.000-04:00

Last night I learned this:
A = {Megan being able to sleep}
B = {Jack teething}

P(A ∩ B) = 0.

Who knew parenting would give me occasion to recall my college probability courses?

Cracker Jack

2011-06-01T13:37:00.001-04:00

Eating his first Mum Mum cracker on May 31, 2011

More please

Jumping Jack

2011-06-01T13:29:00.000-04:00

Jack at 5 months in doorway bouncer with Walter

the apple doesn't fall far

2011-05-23T13:19:00.000-04:00

I was talking to my Mom on the phone while getting Jack ready for bed, when I found a sock bunched up in the foot of his pajamas.

I said to Jack, "How did this sock get into your pajama pants?"

My Mom replied, "Oh Megan, tell him he is too young to be stuffing socks down his pants."

I may need to start a new category of posts: not mature enough for GRANDparenthood.

FF: May 20, 2011

2011-05-20T16:17:00.000-04:00

take a "bite" out of crime

2011-05-16T14:26:00.001-04:00

On May 12, we gave Jack rice cereal for the first time.
He loved it!

I spent most of the time staring at his goop-covered face thinking wildly inappropriate thoughts and trying not to share them on the interwebs. (This reference is vague enough that I still consider myself restrained.)

Last night, we tried carrots:

Internet, what the fuck were we thinking?

All you people who have had kids and are reading this -- and let's face it, it's really just my Dad (Hi, Dad!) -- are thinking, "Rookie mistake." And for good reason.

The carrots?
They were everywhere.

On his face.
On his hands.
On his bib.
On his shirt.
On his pants.
On my shirt.
On my pants.
On my hands.
On my arms.
In his hair.
In the dog's hair.
But this morning, after my shower, I found carrot IN MY EAR!

Screw dye packs. If banks want to mark people who steal money, they should fill the exploding packs with pureed carrots.
That's just a little crime-fighting tip for all of you who don't currently have, or have never had, a 6-month-old.

FF: May 13, 2011

2011-05-13T16:04:00.007-04:00

Whoops, turns out that eating paper is a sign of pica, not of genius. My bad. Ummm... This is awkward. Maybe just ignore my previous post, ok?

May 13:

Guys, I don't mean to brag, but I think my baby might be a genius: at 6 months he is already devouring reading material! (It still counts if he's doing it literally, right? I'll have to check Dr. Spock.)

May 13:

Lazy morning

May 12:

First cereal. (Trevar, Marissa, Hillary and Laura: No making fun of my kid's lunch!)

May 9:

I don't like the insult to my home state, but these ads are pretty funny!

May 9:
There's a man on the train platform reading, "Controlling Your Anger." if that is just a clever plan to get a seat to himself and it's successful, I'm getting on Amazon right now to look for "You and Your Mass-Transit-Induced Homicidal Rage: An Owner's Manual."

May 8:
Listening to Geoff getting the baby dressed post-bath: "It puts the lotion on its skin; it does this whenever it's told." With us as parents, in lieu of a college fund, we should be saving for this kid's therapy bills.

May 8:
Bouncy and the Beast

May 8:
Up early because the baby just couldn't wait to celebrate Mother's Day! (And Wally left me a homemade gift right by my bed!) Guys, Jack was so happy he cried! A lot! I may cry, too, just thinking about it. Happy Mother's Day, Mamas!

May 6:
I got the baby signs book, but it turns out that the one I use most often isn't in there. With this kind of defective program, how is the baby supposed to learn to communicate with his Dad?

May 3:
Kid's books have gotten way more pushy since I was a kid.

May 3:
I think the stomach flu is the universe's way of reminding me how awful pregnancy was and encouraging a more Eco-friendly "one and done" attitude. (Related: anyone need any baby stuff?)

May 2:
"Does hunting down Osama bin Laden and putting bullets in his skull really "remind us that we can do whatever we set our mind to"? Is that really "the story of our history"? That seems to set the bar rather low in terms of national achievement and character." Exactly. Glenn Greenwald: Killing of bin Laden: What are the consequences? http://www.salon.com/

my boobs are like grandpa's trick knee

2011-05-11T14:23:00.000-04:00

I swear they know when it's going to rain.

I have dealt with low-supply issues since Jack was born.
Nonetheless, if it's about to rain or raining, my boobs are leaking.

I think I'm going to just embrace this and start talking like Grandpa Simpson:

"The year was nineteen dikity-six. We had to say dikity back then because the Kaiser stole our word for twenty. I chased him for dikety-two miles."

I won't really need shades

2011-05-10T15:09:00.001-04:00

On Sunday I celebrated my first Mother's Day.
Finally.
After the past two years of pregnant Mother's Days and many years of non-pregnant Mother's Days before that, it was about fucking time.

And my husband? He done good.

I was a little concerned when, on Saturday night, he asked if I needed a card for Mother's Day. When I replied affirmatively, he made a beeline for The Beehive to purchase one. There he was told that they sold their last Mother's Day card earlier in the day. But he assured me that he bought cards that would work. Given that a past example of his definition of "work" was when he asked around at his office for a birthday card and ended up giving me a card that proclaimed, "Best Wishes on Your ~~Retirement~~ Birthday," I was justifiably skeptical.

But, folks, he pulled it off.
I got two incredibly sweet cards, an amazing brunch at 62, and a lovely gift from him.

Unfortunately, I've been warned by friends not to get used to that.
My friend Dan said he got his wife two dozen roses: a dozen for each of his two kids. His daughter who is around 7 wrote his wife a poem and hand-painted a picture frame and made a card with another poem inside. His 9-year-old son was a different story. The boy said to his mom, "I have this coupon for a free drink at Starbucks. Want it?"

Boys.

Upon hearing this story, another friend, who has two boys and two girls, also confirmed that my future gifts may be bleak.

I asked them, "So, what can I expect here? In 3-5 years am I looking at a coupon for buy one get one at Sizzler?"

Dan confirmed, "Yep. And in about 21 years, it'll be, 'Ummm... you can finish my beer, if you want.'"

My future is not looking so bright.
But at least my present was delightful.

having your cake and eating it, too

2011-05-10T09:02:00.000-04:00

My sister just sent me this photo of my niece:

She is dressed as a Butterfly Princess. Obviously.

I love how kids these days don't feel the need to be just one thing.

For example, for Halloween last year my friend's niece dressed as a Pumpkin Fairy and Mighty Girl's son was a Monkey Robot.

Rock on, kids! Be everything you want to be.

I just wish I had thought of that 25 years ago because I would have made an awesome Punky Brewster Bunny Rabbit.

"Second floor: hardware, children's wear, ladies' lingerie."

2011-05-05T09:24:00.000-04:00

Last night I was in the elevator of a parking garage and the automated voice said, "This elevator is going down."

I thought, "Awww, YEAH. Take THAT elevator! You're goin' DOWN!"

And then I thought, "I really shouldn't be allowed out in public."

FF: Jan - April 2011

2011-04-29T15:54:00.001-04:00

I love Facebook, but it is very hard to search for old items and I end up posting things there that I'd want to remember. So in an effort to preserve some of that stuff, I'm instituting Facebook Fridays, in which I round up any interesting FB items that I'd like to remember.

After paying the $847 vet bill, my feelings about Wally pooping on the vet changed from embarrassment to justification. (Fri, 29 Apr 2011 17:12:36 GMT)

Watching abc and wondering, "Is that a hat or a DirecTV dish?" (Fri, 29 Apr 2011 12:07:18 GMT)

I didn't intend to watch the wedding, but I guess Jack had different plans. 4:15 wake-up on my day off = not fun, but some of these hats help make up for it (Fri, 29 Apr 2011 08:43:08 GMT)

I need a baby monitor with a snooze button. Can one of you get on that? I would but I'm too tired. (Tue, 26 Apr 2011 08:35:47 GMT)

I need to have had coffee before I can make coffee as evidenced by the creme brûlée flavored wading pool on my kitchen floor. I'm not sure rational thought cam solve this problem. It's like one of those damn Zen koans. (Thu, 14 Apr 2011 11:11:45 GMT)

We took the baby to see the Easter bunny yesterday, and at 2:00 AM last night I woke up with Donnie Darko-esque dreams. Awesome. (Mon, 11 Apr 2011 14:59:51 GMT)

Jack's first intro to The Dish. (Sun, 10 Apr 2011 20:32:58 GMT)

Listening to my Mom in the other room with Jack, I hear, "No, we don't chew on the dog. You have to let go of Gussy's fur." That is almost as funny as the time I was talking to my sister and she said to my niece, "Isabella, no! We do not throw frying pans at the cat." (Sat, 09 Apr 2011 18:59:37 GMT)

Hello PA! Less than an hour away from double-crust white pizza and Yuengling!! Related: wondering if we should change Jack out of his Red Sox gear before we get to Scranton, which has, in recent years, become infested with Yankees' fans. I don't want the baby to get beat up, you know, in case they are sore losers. (Fri, 08 Apr 2011 22:13:15 GMT)

It's 4 AM and my kid is wide awake having a conversation with a seahorse. (Fri, 08 Apr 2011 08:09:37 GMT)

I've been concerned about what to do in case of a government shut down. Today I read a fortune cookie at lunch that said, "You will have an exciting business adventure." My coworker added, "in bed." And voila ask and the universe provides an answer. Now the question remains: How do I advertise my new career as a sex worker now that craigslist banned erotic services ads? (Thu, 07 Apr 2011 16:51:57 GMT)

This whole government shut down has caused quite the catch-22 given that my many years of working for the government have basically made me unemployable elsewhere. (Wed, 06 Apr 2011 18:34:48 GMT)

Related: Do kids these days even still use binders? What is the modem equivalent of that? A fb page? (Wed, 06 Apr 2011 03:54:29 GMT)

I'm watching My So-called Life on Netflix on demand. I haven't seen it in years. I love all the teen angst And I forgot how dreamy Jordan Catalano really was. Excuse me while I go scribble on my binder cover, "Megan + Jordan 4eva TID. TIND." (Wed, 06 Apr 2011 03:52:33 GMT)

Growing up I had a dog named Dempsey who hated being clean. He'd get a bath and immediately go roll around in the sewer drain. I think Jack may be the Dempsey of babies; within hours of a bath the kid invariably has an explosive diaper. Do you think it's possible that the souls of animals can be reincarnated as babies? Or do you think kids and dogs are just generally gross? (Sat, 02 Apr 2011 01:53:00 GMT)

I'm not enjoying my 4 AM screaming baby alarm. I would like it to be someone else's turn now. I keep asking Geoff for some sister wives and he's dragging his feet. I'm going to have to start taking applications myself. Hiring preference to smart, flinty, Bettie Page-esque feminists. (Thu, 31 Mar 2011 09:53:07 GMT)

I'm sitting in my living room listening to the baby snoring and the dog licking himself. On the bright side, I guess I should be thankful that I'm not listening to the dog snoring and the baby licking himself. (Wed, 30 Mar 2011 22:47:04 GMT)

This year, I won the NCAA pool in my office. Last year, I came in second. For a reasonable fee, I'd be happy to act as your own personal Paul the Octopus next March. (Tue, 29 Mar 2011 19:40:00 GMT)

One of the Dunkin Donuts in Salem is renovating and hung a sign in the window stating, "CLOSED to better serve you." I read it and thought, "At least they are being honest: we would be better served if we weren't eating Dunkin Donuts." (Sun, 27 Mar 2011 17:58:18 GMT)

The problem with driving a Subaru in New England is that you could be gathering groceries behind your car for two minutes only to press the unlock button and hear the sound two rows behind you. Well, YOU could do that, I, on the other hand, would never make that mistake. (Sun, 20 Mar 2011 22:36:24 GMT)

I'm thinking that if the food product you are about to purchase is the "Official ________ of NASCAR" you probably shouldn't be buying it. (I should admit that this is based on a small sample size. The gorgonzola cheese torta I bought, no NASCAR. The Nutter Butters have Tony Stewart's face on the front of the package.) (Sat, 19 Mar 2011 11:14:12 GMT)

There is something about 4 am that jack finds appealing. For four days this week, his 4 am was 5 am, when my alarm is scheduled to go off. Perfect! But not today, no. Daylight savings time, jack is on to your little tricks. You'd have to get up pretty early to pull one over on him - at least around 3:30 am. (Fri, 18 Mar 2011 09:17:55 GMT)

Is there something about car advertisers in particular that makes them incapable of using "literally" correctly? Ex. This minivan literally gave birth to all others. This car is literally miles ahead of the rest. (Fri, 18 Mar 2011 01:26:34 GMT)

At one store, I was able to purchase Laffy Taffy, Cheetos, Funyuns, Thing-a-ma-jigs, nutter butters, snickerdoodles and fluff, all for under $20. This what is both very right and very wrong about America. (Thu, 17 Mar 2011 16:47:20 GMT)

What's the minimum age for acceptance into military school? I'm asking for my ear drums... errr, I mean... a friend. (Thu, 10 Mar 2011 00:00:53 GMT)

Getting older: north station is swarming with lady gaga fans in crazy, mostly skimpy, costumes. I am not only unable to name a gaga song, but also I feel the overwhelming urge to wrap these teens and 20-somethings in blankets so they don't "catch their death!" I fear I am only a few years away from pulling a tissue from my sleeve, dabbing it in spit, and trying to wipe the greasepaint from their faces. (Tue, 08 Mar 2011 22:11:53 GMT)

I've reached a level of sleep deprivation in which even snaps are too complicated for me to handle. Getting my kid into his outfit today? Hell, I might as well have been trying to build a nuclear reactor. (Thu, 24 Feb 2011 10:44:47 GMT)

I frequently find myself wishing I were like Kali with many arms. Two just isn't enough. And I'm pretty sure I'd look sexy with the necklace of human heads! (Fri, 18 Feb 2011 06:40:04 GMT)

My baby was up crying many times last night. A telemarketer just gave me her whole pitch and I kept waiting for him to cry so i could say, "gotta go, crying baby." The kid didn't make a peep! I even changed his diaper, which he normally finds appalling, yet he just smiled silently at me. It's like this kid purposely refuses to do exactly what I telepathically tell him to He's just like his dad! (Fri, 11 Feb 2011 20:51:21 GMT)

The person who developed the toilet paper dispenser in which the spindle only revolves a half turn is a douchebag. Seriously. It reminds me of back in the day when you had to put a dime in the door to unlock the toilets in the Globe Department Store in Scranton. (Thu, 10 Feb 2011 20:51:39 GMT)

My alarm goes off at 5 AM but my kid went off at 3 AM. It is clearly some sort of evolutionary oversight that babies do not come with a snooze button. (Mon, 07 Feb 2011 10:07:44 GMT)

Not much of what I learned as an undergrad has come in handy later in life, except the "aardvarks are our friends" song. I couldn't have predicted that. (Wed, 26 Jan 2011 23:01:45 GMT)

I just saw an ad for a national chain of bail bondsmen during The Daily Show. Do you think when looking for their target demographic the ad agency confused Jon Stewart with Jerry Springer? Both Js. I could see where they might get mixed up. (Tue, 25 Jan 2011 15:50:34 GMT)

This baby book I was reading said that at two months old some babies will begin sleeping through the night. Jack has been two months old for about an hour and twenty minutes now. I know this because HE'S NOT SLEEPING. I think my baby is broken. (Mon, 17 Jan 2011 06:22:46 GMT)

No snow yet in Salem. But jack and I can keep you posted because apparently we will be awake. Yes, the sick baby does break my heart. I just wish he wouldn't also destroy my eardrums and any possibility of REM sleep (oh and probably any shred of neighborly feelings the people below us had pre-baby!) (Wed, 12 Jan 2011 06:57:53 GMT)

My little guy has a cold and it breaks my heart. So sad. (Tue, 11 Jan 2011 09:26:44 GMT)

This afternoon I walked around Salem with a stroller. I realized that I hate people that don't fully clear their sidewalks of snow. Then I remembered I was one of those people. Because I couldn't pass on the sidewalks, I started walking on the street like those other people I hate who walk on the street when there is a perfectly good sidewalk. Who knew an afternoon stroll could invoke such self-loathing? (Thu, 06 Jan 2011 22:06:30 GMT)

There are some personal/household tasks I can't seem to accomplish today while caring for a baby e.g. showering, preparing meals, sleeping. But the one thing I can do is vacuum. My carpets are so clean right now you could eat off them - provided, of course, that you brought your own lunch because I can't make it for you. (Mon, 03 Jan 2011 20:53:36 GMT)

bedtime

2011-04-25T11:45:00.000-04:00

You're supposed to read to your kids.

It's just good parenting.

Go the Fuck to Sleep by Adam Mansbach

armpit-generated fart noises

2011-04-25T09:32:00.001-04:00

Yesterday we had Easter dinner at our house.
Geoff, his Dad, his Brother, his Uncle and his two male cousins were there.
That's SIX males (plus Jack and two male dogs) to three women.
And sitting at the table I got a taste of what it's going to be like raising this boy in this family:

Geoff: Can you hand me the wine farter?
Meg: Geoff, didn't we just have a discussion about not calling it that?
Male Cousin #1: What's a wine farter?
Geoff: It's this thing that you pour the wine though to aerate it.
Male Cousin #2: Why is called a wine farter?
Geoff: Just listen to the sound it makes when he pours the wine through it.
[Geoff's brother pours the wine and it makes a sound vaguely resembling someone passing gas.]
[All the men laugh uproariously.]
Dad: Let me try that.
[As he pours the wine, Geoff's Uncle makes farting noises to accompany the aerator.]
[More laughter.]

Internet, I just picture a holiday meal in my not-too-distant future where Jack asks for the carrots and when I ask for the "magic word," he says "please" in a belch.

It's a good thing we have the wine farter because I have a feeling I'm going to need to do a lot of drinking to put up with this stuff.

subliminal messages

2011-04-20T13:39:00.001-04:00

I was joking about yesterday's nursery artwork.

But I desperately want both of these prints for the nursery:

The Family Circus

2011-04-19T16:42:00.000-04:00

I really need to purchase this, from this book, in a print for the baby's room:

cupcake camp

2011-04-13T09:51:00.000-04:00

Tonight I'm attending Cupcake Camp Boston 2011 with some of Geoff's relatives.

It's a Girls' Night Out.*

I think I'm ready.

Comfy shoes? CHECK.
Elastic-waisted pants? CHECK.
Near superhuman tolerance for sweets? CHECK.

Let's do this.

*I hate that phrase for reasons I can't fully articulate. Even worse is the acronym GNO, which is way too close to this guy for my comfort.