...and the little one said, "I'm lonely."
This song is really catchy. I sing it a lot to Jack.
I'm sure some day, he'll understand the subtraction, but I'm wondering how I'll impart the missing message:
You can feel lonely even when you're not alone.
I've been "battling depression" since my early-20s. Although, I know it's cliche to call it a "battle," it's also correct. It is a battle, or, more accurately, a war. But it's not like the Civil War or some short ass war. This is like the Vietnam war or the Iraq war: long and with no satisfying victory.
Currently, I'm losing the battle.
I'm just trying to get up the strength to fight again.
Like Miranda July says, "All I ever really want to know is how other people are making it through life — where do they put their body, hour by hour, and how do they cope inside of it."
I want to hear how other people get through it.
I don't want to hear "You'll be fine;" "You have so much to be thankful for;" "It could always be worse;" "Just think happy thoughts;" "You just need to learn how to budget;" "Every one is struggling right now;" "Put on some happy music;" "Have a glass of wine;" or "Just stop being crazy."*
I want to know what you do.
How you cope when you're right in the fucking middle of the storm?
Because, as it turns out, that baby I had? He needs to be fed every day. He needs baths. He needs diaper changes. He needs attention.
He needs someone to comfort him when he cries in the middle of the night.
And, although feeling the weight of him in my arms as he sleeps does give me some measure of comfort in the moment, those moments are short.
And these days and nights? They're long.
*All of which have been said to me.
I love you, Megan.
ReplyDeleteI've struggled with depression since I was sixteen. I've had all of those comments made to me, too. Unless someone has dealt with depression, especially clinical depression that is not short-lived or situational, they just don't really understand. They don't understand what it feels like and they don't understand why those comments don't make sense, why those suggestions don't apply, and why they are offensive and dismissive. Clinical depression is chemical and biological. Those same people wouldn't suggest that someone with diabetes forgo insulin or that someone with an allergy go without an epi pen, right? It is just a fundamental lack of understanding.
I don't have advice. I'm always dealing with it myself to varying degrees and have accepted that I will deal with this for the rest of my life. I know there's nothing I can say or do that will help you. The only thing that has made an ounce of difference for me has been living through terrible bouts of depression. Now each time it gets almost unbearable I have the memory of coming through the worst of it multiple times before. It's difficult to remember, but I do have those memories somewhere deep inside and the knowledge that it does get at least slightly better at some point -- even if that point is so far in the distance I can't see it and can just barely imagine it.
The only other thing that helps me sometimes is to give myself credit for very tiny accomplishments. Sometimes that might be as small as taking a shower or running a small errand or even getting out of bed that day. Someone with depression has to fight so much harder than anyone else just to do the simplest things. Someone without depression might not realize how difficult it is to accomplish those small things, but you know and I know, so give yourself credit for them. When my depression is at the worst I can barely take care of myself, so I can't even imagine dealing with it while having the responsibility of taking care of a child.
All I can say is that I feel for you and I love you. Oh, and that I will take Jack for you any time I possibly can, even if you just need half an hour.
xo